issues.

Hey guys, I know I have been posting a lot this week but I really just need to offload what's going on, I am struggling so much to find a reason to live, I was on the brink of self harming again, My thoughts become delusional and I scream, I yell and I punch the walls and bang my head against my drawers. I really just have so much pain built up inside me and them I explode, some of my friends don't know how bad it is...and it really is about time they knew, so trigger warning once again people.

When I was little I met my best friend and future husband at three months old, we were neighbors and my parents had just gotten me (I am adopted SURPRISE!!) and at the age of ten he vowed to marry me when I had my eighteenth birthday... he recently died and if I am honest with you, like I said previously I never really bounced back after it, he still haunts me to this day..I have schizophrenia and I refuse to admit he is gone, I hear his voice, I see his face etc... He was my everything and more, he was every hope I had ever had in human form, I loved him so much, just thinking about him makes me cry and want to be with him. I miss him, a lot...this post is about issues if you couldn't tell. So here goes..

When I first started first year, I had only started to become depressed, I was bullied in primary school but never told anyone about it, I cried myself to sleep but covered my mouth with my hand so no one would hear, I even skipped school and walked aimlessly around the estates surrounding my school so no one could hurt me. I hated my final year in primary school, but first year was a whole other story, I first met friends in my class, they are both very kind and sweet but recent times have tested our friendships and I don't know if either of them are going to last and that scares me, to be alone once again, to be forgotten.. it hurts my head and I become dizzy once again. I got into anime thanks to another girl in my year but she doesn't like me anymore either...In first year I got into trouble with my year head and that was my second breaking point, the loss of my "fiancè" being my first. At this point I was some lost little thirteen year old, I hated myself and low self esteem, I still do struggle with this but more on that later. Second year was even worse, as I became more lost, I closed myself off from my family and they couldn't understand, my grades dropped immensely and I was hit with breaking point three, I'm gay big surprise, get on with it, judge if you want I don't care, There was this girl who I fell in love with the minute I met them and we got on for ages and ages but then when I was at my peak of depression I took it all out of my friends...I can't ever forgive myself as this was what made me loose the one person I cared about the most...They came out as transgender recently to all heir friends and I am still immensely in love with them..but not a lot of people know that I cry over him a lot, all my friends left when we stopped being friend and now they all glare and whisper about me behind my backs, I found out that they all are really mad at me, but I have better friends now who no matter what we all relate and love each other equally, the other group I was in was always dealing with drama and now that I finally was kicked out I couldn't be happier,anyway I love being crazy with them and they all accept me and I have never been happier with friends like them. I never fully felt like that with the old group, and they have slowly made me realize that I do deserve happiness, that everyone does. So thank you to my first year friends, but most of all to the best Senpai ever, You and I have only been friends for almost two years and when you leave I will be so lost without you, but I promise I will always remember you. I would also like to say a thank you to a new friend of mine (she knows who she is, she's new here hi btw) She is very pretty and amazing the way she is and I will continue to tell her that day in day out, she is a strong BTS stan and I look up to her for that and I admire her loyalty so thanks again. Okay so I got a bit side tracked but still I had to say that just because they all mean a lot to me and they are always supportive of me and put up with my rants and vents like these ones.

Okay okay, seeing as I have already given advise on OCD and metal issues I won't talk about too much about this as this is already a long post.. I have tried to kill myself three times and have self harmed a lot, I even ended up in hospital, I am slowly getting better but barely anyone gives us, the people who struggle on a daily basis with metal issues credit for what we go through, my parents aren't great at understanding my sexuality or my mental issues, people think I am some extroverted bubbly person but in reality it's all a fake mask...I am super shy inside and am constantly yelling at myself internally a how pathetic I am...I have had many panic attacks in school and have hid in bathrooms crying. You are all so beautiful and no matter what, even if it's an email, I am always here to rant to, I love giving advise and cheering people up, it makes me happy.

That's it for now guys..Sorry it's a super long post I just needed to vent and rant

Signing off for now!

Luissa03xox <3